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Aargh. *sigh* Pffffft. Grrrumble.

Need to find the positive and wrap it around me like a blanket. Simmering in... Sadness, fear, anger... True lonliness, not because Iapos;m totally alone but because no one totally gets me - or is like me. K does, but sheapos;s got her own life and her own things to work through right now. Star is... So wrapped up in his own life, his own world I think heapos;s forgotten what a special mother he has.

I go to Moms and she tells me all about "Mels baby"... Huh?? Sis doesnt have... A baby... Hello, eldest daughter here - PREGNANT?? I just hate my Mom sometimes in those ways. My sister is more like her, Iapos;m kind of the anomoly to her. I still dont understand what her issue with Star is either, but she sure the fuck doesnt care and dote over him the way she does over THE NIECES.

What the hell is this pot stirring and boiling my brain to rot these days? The best place for support, is my work. At least they say nice, supportive things.

I saw and Gulldurned red truck this morning, with an NYFD 9/11 sticker in the back with someone who looked like... The Fireman I used to date - and I started fucking bawling. Sitting and a damned stop sign in the middle of traffic, bawling like a Gosh darned emotional WRECK.

I am not in sight... Of... My innner light. My... Positive attributes... But thats not true either, I still have the knowledge... Its just swamped by all this negativity. Maybe its from everyoneapos;s perspective of me right now, being pregnant at 38, single, stupid all over like I was 23 again. Maybe its just my own perspective of myself.

I fucking HATE money. Hate it. I bust my ass, for what exactly? I have NOTHING. I can do NOTHING. I cant even go on a damned vacation even though Iapos;ve worked the same job for almost ten years. My own god damned fault. Sorry God.... Thats how I feel sometimes - like God damned me. I wanna quit sometimes, occasionally - just run the hell away and leave it ALL behind. Escape somewhere... Where someONE truly KNOWS me, and loves me. It isnt enough that I know what Iapos;m worth anymore. Because... No matter what I do, its just... Average, good, plain jane, and right now... Thats not enough.

Maybe it is usually, maybe I have enough glitter within myself to get satisfaction in that, but... At the moment... I need something more. Iapos;m sick of being wasted on... Every day life. Fuck every day life. And yet... This morning driving in I looked up and found myself struck by the beauty of... The sky and mountains and colorful treeapos;s and the mist... And last night when I went outside at like ten to let the dog out and cats in... The beautiful Moon shone through the treeapos;s casting them dark and unmistakably beautiful with the mist swirling around their trunks and the cows in the field lumbering at their roots... I love that I can see that, I love that I have that gift. Unfortunately... I cant seem to show my children that gift, I cant seem to get them to really SEE the beauty in simple nature. And yet... It is such a gift to me.

If I could just get lost in that beauty for a little while... I think Iapos;d be ok. But it needs to be more than... On my way to do something else. Because... I need to hold it deeply some how, not be caught in the moment while being pulled somewhere else...

I hate him. The ex is barking up my tree and I need something, so Iapos;m going out to dinner with him... Which is so unfair to him... But... There are no secrets here, Iapos;ve been blunt and clear about where I stand. Cant deny the attraction, and I think Iapos;ve told him in enough ways that I dont want to BE with him to hurt him, much less just simply get the message across. I know its wrong. But I dont care right now.

I dont fucking care. Whoapos;s in this for me anyway... No one. I am just... Plain sad. In a place where I should be glowing and happy, and even in the past when things were rough and I was pregnant - it was good. Right now, right here, today... Iapos;m struggling. Iapos;m trying, but its hard. I dont want easy, have never minded the "work" to be happy but... A little relief, a little less stress, a little more cooperation, a little more kindness... A little more intelligence... I could do with a helping of that.

Just... Pissy today. Plain Pissy. Uncomfortable. Irritated by... The weather, by people, by money, by work, by the lack of the spirit in me that usually sparks my dance... By... Everything but the animals, and natural beauty.

Gods, can I have some natural beauty in human form please? Iapos;ll take five please. Thanks.
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