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I had a great day. Daven came by and we really had a great deal of fun. Me and my mom got into an argument later on, but when donapos;t we? In fact, it was one of the best days Iapos;d had in a long time.

But now I feel really guilty that I even had a good day at all, as stupid as that sounds. I just found out a really close friend of mine was in a car accident yesterday. No one seems to have any information on how he is or what exactly happened except for one girl who I donapos;t get along with and who will not give me the time of day to answer my questions. Iapos;ve got no way of getting in contact with him or his family at the moment and even if I did, heapos;s in Texas which makes visiting him in the hospital impossible. Not that Iapos;d know which hospital heapos;d be in (that seems to happen a lot).

I feel kind of lost and helpless and guilty and angry.

I donapos;t know.

Get well soon Ty.

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Ok... Yeah, I know there are some people who are pissed off at me for how Iapos;ve been... Hence that apology entry a while ago... But ya know, if youapos;re really pissed at me, just tell me.... Dont leave me fucking guessing until something- like a journal- leave me to believe something is terribly wrong. Iapos;m not a mind reader, I never have been.... And what else is getting to me right now? Stop leaving Anonymous comments on my LiveJournal, especially when you bitchout someone who has nothing to do with the situation at hand... And thereapos;s a chance I DO know who you are, so youapos;re not being all that anonymous after all... You got something to say, just say it

Ya know... If thereapos;s a problem, just tell me... Because everything is just getting fucking ridiculous, I dont need it, nor does anyone else... And Iapos;ll wash my hands of everything is anyone keeps trying to make it worse... Because now, Iapos;m getting really pissed off...



COMMENTS
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::sigh::
souhi
2001-05-06 09:11 am
I get the odd feeling like this is directed at me for some reason. I told you that we will talk and I mean it... I have never and wonapos;t leave anonymous posts on your entries. Hon, I care about you which is why I really want to talk to you. I will not hide anything from you, I never have.

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Iapos;m so sorry ;_;
pinchi
2001-05-06 01:25 pm
iapos;m sorry, mehbeh...;_;
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Aargh. *sigh* Pffffft. Grrrumble.

Need to find the positive and wrap it around me like a blanket. Simmering in... Sadness, fear, anger... True lonliness, not because Iapos;m totally alone but because no one totally gets me - or is like me. K does, but sheapos;s got her own life and her own things to work through right now. Star is... So wrapped up in his own life, his own world I think heapos;s forgotten what a special mother he has.

I go to Moms and she tells me all about "Mels baby"... Huh?? Sis doesnt have... A baby... Hello, eldest daughter here - PREGNANT?? I just hate my Mom sometimes in those ways. My sister is more like her, Iapos;m kind of the anomoly to her. I still dont understand what her issue with Star is either, but she sure the fuck doesnt care and dote over him the way she does over THE NIECES.

What the hell is this pot stirring and boiling my brain to rot these days? The best place for support, is my work. At least they say nice, supportive things.

I saw and Gulldurned red truck this morning, with an NYFD 9/11 sticker in the back with someone who looked like... The Fireman I used to date - and I started fucking bawling. Sitting and a damned stop sign in the middle of traffic, bawling like a Gosh darned emotional WRECK.

I am not in sight... Of... My innner light. My... Positive attributes... But thats not true either, I still have the knowledge... Its just swamped by all this negativity. Maybe its from everyoneapos;s perspective of me right now, being pregnant at 38, single, stupid all over like I was 23 again. Maybe its just my own perspective of myself.

I fucking HATE money. Hate it. I bust my ass, for what exactly? I have NOTHING. I can do NOTHING. I cant even go on a damned vacation even though Iapos;ve worked the same job for almost ten years. My own god damned fault. Sorry God.... Thats how I feel sometimes - like God damned me. I wanna quit sometimes, occasionally - just run the hell away and leave it ALL behind. Escape somewhere... Where someONE truly KNOWS me, and loves me. It isnt enough that I know what Iapos;m worth anymore. Because... No matter what I do, its just... Average, good, plain jane, and right now... Thats not enough.

Maybe it is usually, maybe I have enough glitter within myself to get satisfaction in that, but... At the moment... I need something more. Iapos;m sick of being wasted on... Every day life. Fuck every day life. And yet... This morning driving in I looked up and found myself struck by the beauty of... The sky and mountains and colorful treeapos;s and the mist... And last night when I went outside at like ten to let the dog out and cats in... The beautiful Moon shone through the treeapos;s casting them dark and unmistakably beautiful with the mist swirling around their trunks and the cows in the field lumbering at their roots... I love that I can see that, I love that I have that gift. Unfortunately... I cant seem to show my children that gift, I cant seem to get them to really SEE the beauty in simple nature. And yet... It is such a gift to me.

If I could just get lost in that beauty for a little while... I think Iapos;d be ok. But it needs to be more than... On my way to do something else. Because... I need to hold it deeply some how, not be caught in the moment while being pulled somewhere else...

I hate him. The ex is barking up my tree and I need something, so Iapos;m going out to dinner with him... Which is so unfair to him... But... There are no secrets here, Iapos;ve been blunt and clear about where I stand. Cant deny the attraction, and I think Iapos;ve told him in enough ways that I dont want to BE with him to hurt him, much less just simply get the message across. I know its wrong. But I dont care right now.

I dont fucking care. Whoapos;s in this for me anyway... No one. I am just... Plain sad. In a place where I should be glowing and happy, and even in the past when things were rough and I was pregnant - it was good. Right now, right here, today... Iapos;m struggling. Iapos;m trying, but its hard. I dont want easy, have never minded the "work" to be happy but... A little relief, a little less stress, a little more cooperation, a little more kindness... A little more intelligence... I could do with a helping of that.

Just... Pissy today. Plain Pissy. Uncomfortable. Irritated by... The weather, by people, by money, by work, by the lack of the spirit in me that usually sparks my dance... By... Everything but the animals, and natural beauty.

Gods, can I have some natural beauty in human form please? Iapos;ll take five please. Thanks.
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In third world countries, people walk miles and miles through soggy soggy marshes to vote. They carry cows on their shoulders. Or something. I donapos;t know. I�seem to remember something about that� from a very early grade, although that may have been the�Laura Secord story, which takes up space in my head while Iapos;m trying to remember viral classification.
�
Here in Montreal, Marnie vaguely considers walking across the street to the SSMU building, then is faced with the obvious question of "who do I�vote for?" Then, she goes back to linguistics.

I donapos;t really support any party. Iapos;d say Iapos;m probably a liberal, but I canapos;t in good concience vote for Stephane Dion. I could vote anti-conservative, but that would involve voting Bloc, which I canapos;t really do either. I could vote green, but if I vote green, then the conservatives might win. Or, I could declare my complete apathy and disdain for the candidates by not voting at all.

Then, I have to listen to the little voice in my head that says "Not voting isnapos;t a political declaration. Not voting is what at least half the population does. Probably more in your demographic."

I suppose I could vote liberal, because my friend grad student A told me to. Or I could vote NDP, because my friend Laurence told me to. But honestly, I never thought of myself as the kind of person who would just go and vote for someone because someone told me to. I thought I would care enough to form my own opinions, and I do. I watched the French debate and the first half of the English debate. I follow the campaigns. And I seriously donapos;t think that any of the candidates are worthy of my vote.� Itapos;s the ultimate catch 22. Anyone who wants to be a politician is crazy and therefore unsuitable for the job. If youapos;re not crazy, you donapos;t want the job, and this is what makes you fit for the job.

You want my prediction? Weapos;re looking at a minority conservative government. We could have just bypassed this entire election thing and saved a lot of taxpayers money. But as long as no one party has any real power, weapos;re fine. The terminally dense can continue to amuse themselves by arguing about random laws and theories, and no oneapos;s going to win. No significant laws are going to be passed. Nothing is going to change.

I doubt Iapos;m going to vote. Itapos;s not that I donapos;t know who do vote for, itapos;s that I�want no part in what these idiots are doing to my country. When I do vote, I want it to be for something I can believe in, not against something I donapos;t believe in or because I�donapos;t have any choice in the matter. If I�believed in a party, I would carry a cow through a miles and miles of soggy soggy swamp to go and vote. As it is, I donapos;t want any of these people to win. Iapos;d support a movement if there was one I�believed in. As it is, Iapos;m going to go and get a coffee and finish my linguistics notes.
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Deze morgen hoorde een bewoner uit de Nieuwlandstraat in Olsene verdachte geluiden beneden in zijn woning en hoorde hij zijn wagen Audi A3 wegrijden. Toen hij ging kijken, stelde hij vast dat er was ingebroken. Via het klapraampje van het toilet had iemand zich toegang verschaft tot de woning. Hij had daarop de voordeur geopend voor zijn kompanen.

Naast zijn voertuig, verdween eveneens een flatscreen-TV, een laptop, een digitaal fototoestel, zijn brieventas en de handtas van zijn vriendin.

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So its 2:32 x that 2:33 am. Fairly early for me.
im bored so i figured id post.
watching the simpsons season 5.
great season
feeling really optomistic today
no reason behind it
why question it
got a lot to do the rest of the month
between parties and finding work i think ill be quite busy
natalie my ex imed me today out of the blue
it was nice to catch up
shes is one of the few ex gfapos;s i dont hate with all my guts
tomorrow is bank, get keys made, apply to jobs and find something to do
ps. New entourage is sweet

out

PpS i also made 3 new ringtones
AL4W
Down To Nothing
IATA

PPPS. PS means postscript. PPS means post-postscript. Gay

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Two days in Hong Kong had lots and lot to look at, but was a tad overwhelming. Might be different if thatapos;s the city I was actually staying in and had time to roam leisurely - or the sheer amount of people might keep me in a state of half shell-shock after a bit. Moot point either way :)

I did manage to pick up a couple of souveniers for folks, but still have a couple more (people) on my list. I need to find a post office at some stage as the canvas I bought mum wonapos;t fit in my luggage back, easier to risk it and post direct from here.

They use bamboo as construction scaff in HK Itapos;s all over the place. I tried taking pics, but it was night and even with the flash they didnapos;t turn out so well, and Iapos;d forgotten about pics of scaff the next day. Trust me though, itapos;s a sight to behold.

Squillas are to giant tiger prawns what balmain/morton bay bugs are to crabs. Not enough meat to be really worth the effort though, and the spice mix they came in tasted oddly much like kfcapos;s apos;secretapos;.

Yesterday was apos;splatapos; day.

apos;Okonomiakiapos; flavoured chips taste a bit like apos;light n tangyapos; thins. Cadbury Old gold comes in liquor flavoured creme blocks. Itapos;s very hard to find 100 juice, or rolling tobacco - and then I had to leave the supermarket before I bought all the apos;whatapos;s that then?apos; junk food there was.

Today is the first day on my own, and I plan to accustom myself to the local neighbourhood before braving the buses and heading into apos;big Macauapos; (as opposed to Taipa, where I am now) later on in my stay. Tomorrow is circus day

I love my hosts dearly, and wish this bout of insomnia would go the fuck away - I canapos;t even blame jetlag as itapos;s only a three hour (now that itapos;s daylight savings back home) difference, and in the opposite way at that. Today I shall walk lots, and hope that makes the difference.
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